Are You Smarter Than A Celebutante?

I haven’t done a rant in a while so I’m overdue. Why didn’t anyone remind me? This particular rant is inspired by a recent visit to Perez Hilton and will take the form of a quiz. Just ask yourself, Am I smarter than a celebutante?

Scenario A

You’re having a spa day at a trendy day spa in Hollywood when in walks Paris Hilton. You notice that she picks a striking color polish–Slutty Red. However, as a regular reader of this blog you know the brand has enough formaldehyde to pickle a prairie full of gophers. What would you do?

A. Paris is a kindred spirit. I want slutty red toes too.
B. Let her go with her choice. She’s too far gone for it to make a difference anyway.
C. I need to hip this chick to Priti polishes before she kills herself.

If you picked A, I don’t know how you even found this blog. What a tart. You must have followed me over from Perez Hilton. If you chose B, hugs and kisses to you. You’re a pessimist after my own heart. And C? Your place in heaven is assured, but you’ll have more fun in hell with the rest of us. Loosen up already!

Scenario B

You’ve got your toes done and now Helga the Spa Mistress is pressuring you to get a tan. You notice Lindsay Lohan is au naturelle on one of the tanning beds. Would you:

A. Ask for the Lohan Special. Those freckles on Lindsay are kinda cute.
B. Warn Lindsay about ultraviolet (UV) radiation. Melanoma is not hot.
C. Tell Helga the Spa Mistress to back off and point you toward a tube of SPF 20.

Chose A did you? You’re a risk taker–and stupid too. If you chose B, let me quote you a line from Romeo and Juliet, Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too? In other words, just pray for Lindsay, that’s all we can do at this point. Finally, if you chose C you’ve got quite a pair on you. Staring down Helga is no walk in the park.

Scenario C

You notice there is a pic of Nicole Ritchie on the wall. You like what she’s done with her hair so you decide to get yours colored too. As Helga mixes your color, you read the back of the box and note that the dye contains lead acetate–a known reproductive toxin. Do you–

A. Just roll with it. Nicole managed to get pregnant and that anorexia thing worked itself out just fine.
B. Inform Helga of the dangers of hair dye and point her toward some safer choices.
C. Helga’s moustache scares you so you tell her you’re pressed for time and just want a facial.

Chose A? I see an oncologist in your future. I’m psychic that way. If you chose B, once again you’re headed for sainthood, but you’ll have more fun with the rest of us in the other place. I’d wuss out and just go with C myself.

Scenario D

Helga hands you off to her daughter Heidi for a facial. As the steam opens your pores, you glance over at the tray of creams and lotions. You notice a very popular brand of face cream that you know for a fact contains hydroquinone–a fading agent on the FDA watch list. What to do?

A. Heidi has her mother’s moustache. I’m just going to be quiet and take one for the team.
B. Fake a seizure, that way you can get out of the facial and don’t have to pay.
C. Ask Heidi for a product containing alpha hydroxy or kojic acid. They work just as well and aren’t suspected carginogens.

Don’t try B unless you’re a good actress. Spa Mistresses are used to people trying to pull this one and Heidi is a former Greco-Roman wrestler–Olympic level. C is the politically correct answer–you’re on your way to having a holiday named after you. Personally, I’m in favor of A. Pick your battles and live to fight another day.